Linky Links Part II

As promised, here's where you can get the code for the links list I use. I'll update the code every so often to reflect new sites I've added. When you look at the code, you'll notice several lines without links - those won't show on your blog, they just give you some extra space to add links of your own.
Make sure you read through this completely!

Edited - please read my update "Linky List Part III" for information on changing your code!

Custom Google

I swear this is relevent to this blog. LOL

I've used Google as my home page for I don't know how many years. Long time, though. It is one of the few megabillion dollar companies whose business practices I generally agree with. (Good thing since Google owns blogger, 'eh?) And I probably spend 20 hours a week using Google for web searches. I'm always looking up new stuff. I love Google! Ok, so anyway, back to using it as a home page.

Google started this new thing where you can totally customize your "Google Experience." Follow this link - Customize Google - and you'll see what I mean. I like this so much that I'm going to give you a quick overview of how to customize a Google page - and no, you don't have to have a Google Mail (Gmail) account to do it. No, Google won't spam you. And no, there is no spyware garbage.

Now, why would you want to do this? Because one of the very cool features of this customized page is that you can set it up to have RSS feeds. "HUH?" you might ask? Let's say "The Adoption Void" is one of your favorite blogs. (You know it is!) You want to know when I've updated it. You want to know when there is some cool new thing here to read. (You know you do!) You just can't get enough of "Da'Void." (You know it is true!) But what a disappointment it is when you eagerly click on me in your favorites, only to find -GASP- nothing new to read!

You can forever more avoid said disappointment by using a "Feed Reader" to keep you abreast of what's happening on your favorite blogs. There are a lot of feed readers out there, some are better than others. I don't like most of them. I'm extremely picky about what I allow on my laptop. Feed readers full of advertisements or conditions in the "fine print" are definitely not on my list. A customized Google page is a nice solution.

Here is a screen shot of what greets me each time I open a browser window. (Yes, I use Firefox - you should too, you know!) These are just thumbnails, so click on the images to see the full sized version - it will open in a new window.



Isn't that pretty? Do you notice some familiar names down the left side of the picture? If you were able to scroll down further, you would see that I'm able to view the title of the first three posts on a whole bunch of blogs - basically all the blogs I have linked to over there on my links list. On the right, you see my current weather, a neat new "word of the day," and some of my favorite bookmarks. Basically, the ones I visit every single day (and usually several times a day). Plus I have the news. Which isn't actually usually there - I'm not too keen on having headlines blasting me with mayhem and death every time I open a browser. I put it there just so you could see it. In actuality, I usually have the RSS feeds from blogs over there as well. With a quick glance, I know when Kim Kim or Wraith or Cookie or any of my other "blogger buddies" have updated their blogs. I love it when I see an unvisited link showing up! There are other cool things you can add to your custom page as well. Certain little games, cute little clocks, googley eyes, etc. Depends on what you like to see. I like to see what my "blogger buddies" are up to, I like to know the weather, I like new words. I also get three "quotes of the day" and a news feed from Rueters - their "Oddly Enough" news. Usually full of humorous news stories. That's the kind of news I like!

So how do you go about setting up one of these pages? Go here - Customize Google - and click on "Sign In" next to the big red arrow in this picture -



On the next page, you'll see this on the right hand side -
Click on "Create An Account Now" (also next to the big red arrow)



Then fill out the form. Like I said, you don't need a Gmail account to sign up. (If you want one, however, drop me an email and I'll send you an "invite" for a free Gmail account - love that, too.)



Ok, so now you've created an account which allows you to customize your Google home page. Now you want to make it nice and pretty, right?
So here's what you do. Go back to - Customize Google - and click "Personalize Your Google Homepage." Suddenly, the page is going to do this neat little shift thing, and a section will open up on the left side. That's where you're going to start selecting what content you want to see on your page.
See?



Then you can drag the content wherever you want on the page for placement -



Now, if you want to get the feed from some of your favorite blogs, all you have to do is click "Create a Section" in that section on the left side. A small text input field will appear where you can type in the address of the blog you want to read. But the address has to be formatted in a particular way!!!



Let's say you want to get the feed from "Da' Void" (you know you do!) You can't just type in http://adoptionvoid.blogspot.com - it won't work. It will tell you it has encountered an error.

Instead, you would use this URL - http://adoptionvoid.blogspot.com/atom.xml

Notice that "atom.xml" on the end? That's what blogger.com uses for feeds from their server. If the blog you want to link to is not on blogger, you'll need to visit the blog itself and look for something that says "RSS Feed" or "Syndicate" or "Atom" or something similar and use whatever URL that offers. Assuming the blog you want is on blogger, all you have to do is add that atom.xml tag on the end of the URL when you type it in to the text field on Google. They'll do the rest. You'll then notice that the blog has been added in the pane on the right and you can drag it around the screen and place it wherever you want.



Now if that isn't cool, I don't know what is!

Remember when I mentioned "other cool things you can add to your custom page as well"? Well, you'll notice that at the bottom of the little pane on the right (when you are in "Add Content" mode), there is a link for "More Content." Follow it and you'll find things like this:


and lots more!

Have fun with it, that's what is most important!
Oh, and two more things - don't panic if you occassionaly get a message which says that certain content is temporarily unavailable. When sites are updating or having server issues, their content won't display on your home page. This is completely normal and nothing to worry about. It will fix itself soon. Also, every once in a while I have to log out of my personalized page, close the browser window, open a new one and log back in because changes I've made to the layout, etc. don't seem to be sticking around when I save my changes - this has happened only twice. It's not a big deal, though, takes me 30 seconds to fix it. Google HAS saved my new page, it just isn't displaying correctly on my computer.

I hope you'll consider using this feature. It is such a simple way of keeping track of what is going on with one another and remaining informed of new blog entries. For me, it is also a reminder to keep track of what is happening with all of you - otherwise, I tend to forget to view my favorite sites.

Enjoy!

This is worth a read (Thanks, Kim Kim!)

If you haven't seen this piece by Ben Hoyle, check it out. "Where I Could Have Been" - Thanks Kim Kim for the link!

Linky links!

I'd like to ask my readers a big favor - if I am not already hosting a link to your blog on this site, could you please add a comment to this post and include a link to your blog? I would really like to gather up as many adoption-related blogs as possible. Please also include links to other adoption-related blogs you know of. No reciprocal link is required, incidentally. You do not have to link to me in order for me to link to you! If for some reason the "comments" don't allow you to include your links, would you please take a moment to email them to me? heartened1 at gmail dot com (at = @ and dot = . with no spaces!)

I feel it is really important to gather as many links to these blogs as possible.

Once I have a pretty good list, I'll be happy to provide you with the raw code for you to paste into your template so you can duplicate the link list in your own blog. I'm happy to walk you through how to do this if needed.

Also, if you feel there are adoption and/or search related sites which are a "must see," please send me those as well. I would really like to see us networking the sites which are most useful to us all.

By the way, my friend Adam arrived late this evening. Ah, it is so wonderful to see him and to be surrounded by his energy. It always amazes me that no matter how long we go without seeing each other or talking on the phone, we're able to pick up right where we left off. The three of us ended up sitting up late talking, then decided to go get a bite to eat before we turned in. He and hubby were having a great time chit-chatting with each other and I was just happy to sit there and listen to two people I love a whole lot enjoying each other's company. How blessed am I?!

Just some chit chat and random thoughts.

It is 7:30 in the morning, here. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of one of my best friends - a brother in all the ways that really matter, Adam. We've known each other for several years now, started out working together for the non-profit. We had the same job in different areas of the country and for whatever reason, just hit it off. Of all my friends, Adam has probably been the one most involved in this journey I'm on. Adam has long been a foster/adoptive dad to an incredible number of kids, and he "gets it" so completely, talking to him is kind of like talking to myself. I can't wait for him to get here today! He has had a long drive to come visit and will arrive sometime this afternoon to spend the weekend. He's also bringing my copy of the letter from IARMIE today (I use his address for adoption stuff because I'm always in hotels with my husband and it is the only way I can be 100% sure that they can ALWAYS find me). He scanned in a copy of it for me when it arrived at his house the other day, so I've "seen it" but not held it in my hands. But that gives you an idea of the level of trust I have for Adam, that I'd let him read the letter even before I did. Why I'm able to trust him so much when I have such a hard time trusting anyone else (besides my husband) isn't something I've figured out, but I think some people just make you feel like they can be trusted with anything. He's one of those people.

So forgive me if I seem to be bouncing in my seat today - my brother is coming to visit!!

I've been reading a lot of blogs from some amazing birthmoms. You'll find some of the links to your left - I still have a few to add, but it will give you a good start. I feel so frustrated for some of these moms and what they've faced. I also feel in awe of their capacity to survive.

One of these days we WILL dispell the myth that adoption is always a positive experience for everyone involved, or the equally damaging myth that adoption "in general" is positive except for a few extremely rare exceptions. I'm sorry, but spend a little time on the internet reading the stories from adoptees and birthmoms - do you think it is just a coincidence that there are so many blogs and personal pages explaining how traumatic this can be for us? If there were only a small handful of these stories, I might agree with the idea that we are "extremely rare exceptions." But it is not just a small handful. Yet little is being done to change things. Now we're dealing with a new myth - that open adoption solves everything. Yet if you spend any time reading on some of the larger adoption forums designed for all members of the plane (see blog entry from yesterday), you'll see that even open adoption is rife with issues. Only now, the adoptive parents are being exposed to the very real painful side of adoption. And maybe with all three members of the "triangle" experiencing pain, we'll finally get somewhere in changing how we do things.

If you're wondering, no, I don't know the solution. I think open adoption is a start, but not a final answer. I'm not in the "eliminate adoption completely" camp, either. But I very much support the idea of focusing more attention on helping birthparents to parent wherever possible. Let's focus on solving the issues which make adoption "an only option." I know there are a lot of adoptive parents who will feel threatened by this idea - if there are fewer babies available for adoption it becomes that much harder to adopt. I feel for them, I truly do - but I'm sorry, I cannot condone NOT helping birthparents to parent just so you can have a child. I can't support eliminating your pain by causing pain for others if it is at all possible to avoid that. I've met dozens of birthmoms and dads who would never have placed had they been given just a little help choosing parenting. I've met far more who have been very clear that they felt trapped and coerced by a system whose function is to provide children to childless couples - NOT to keep children with their birthparents. That is unacceptable to me.

Somewhere in all of this there must be a solution which brings the least amount of pain to all involved. I just hope we find it before we have yet another generation going through this same pain.

What has made me so suspicious of the adoption industry is the amount of money these hopeful parents are FORCED to spend if they want to adopt. I know my brother and sister-in-law went heavily into debt in order to adopt my nephew. There has to be a way of bringing together those who genuinely want to relinquish and those who really want to adopt, together, without one becoming financially bankrupt and the other becoming emotionally bankrupt. It cannot be "in the best interests of the child" for either parent to be so harmed by the system. There has to be a better way to do this.

I've gained a lot of respect for adoptive mothers recently. Reading some of the trials they've faced in trying to adopt, I wonder how they keep going. Of course, they have the greatest reward in the world waiting for them, and I guess that helps them to keep going. But I want to just scream and sob for them when I read of failed referrals or young women who scam them into believing a baby is going to come home with them someday.

Perhaps when we can start acknowledging the trials and pain experienced throughout the plane, instead of feeling that if we acknowledge it, it somehow "threatens" our place, we can actually work TOGETHER to create a solution. I've seen far too many birth and adoptive parents and adoptees who seem hell-bent on denying what another is feeling and experiencing, it makes me very sad. We're so desperate to bury our head in the sand and convince ourselves that all is right with the world that we literally run screaming from anything that challenges that perception. But if we could see past our own fear and embrace and acknowledge the fear of another - maybe things can change. Maybe in another 30 years we'll no longer see blogs full of pain and sadness written by moms, dads and children.

Wouldn't that be nice? Isn't that something worth working towards - together?

The Adoptive Plane

Woo Woo! My friend Wraith finally got around to putting up the Adoptive Plane he and "FarmerBoy" created!
Absolutely go check it out!

A quick thank you

Because I feel funny commenting on my own blog, I just wanted to express my gratitude to those of you who take the time to read and comment on what I write here. Those notes you post mean the world to me. It is a very validating experience for me. I smile each time the system notifies me that there is a new comment. It feels so good to be heard. So thank you for reading, thank you for commenting and thank you for your continued support. You make me feel connected.

"Fla. Highway Crash Kills 7 Adopted Kids"

I am feeling a bit disgusted with reporters this morning. As if this wasn't enough of a tragedy, why is the fact that these poor little angels were adopted important enough to mention in both the headline and the story? Will their parents somehow grieve them less? Are we supposed to think, "well thank goodness they weren't the parents' 'real' kids"? What the hell is the POINT of even mentioning it? Why is this in any way relavent to the story? Is this supposed to be less of a loss because they are adopted?

Please, please take a moment and send a letter to info@ap.org and let them know your feelings about their choice to specify that these children were adopted. Ask why it was important to mention this. Ask what they hoped to convey by mentioning it.

"My name is Heartened and I was born at Swedish Covenant Hospital"

My friend Dan said to me today that it is like putting together pieces of a puzzle. That pretty much sums it up.

I received my letter from IARMIE today. Here is what the important part said:

the birth mother's age is given as 29 and the birth father's age is given as 31 at the time of the birth, the date and place of birth are May 17,1971 at Swedish Covenant Hospital in Chicago, Illinois.

And no, there wasn't a match in the registry.

I keep being struck by the giggles because I've been in and out of Swedish Covenant dozens of times in my previous professional capacity! How many times did I walk right past the room where my records are kept? Did I walk the same halls my birthmother walked? Have I been in the room she stayed in after she gave birth to me? Were my brothers and sisters born there as well? Want to hear a really scary speculation? I might have actually had dealings with one of them if they were still in the area.

It is such a strange feeling to know where I was born, and to know that my date of birth is correct. Most people never think about what hospital they were born in - because they already know, or at least know that they can ask their parents at any time. As an adoptee, that piece of my history was denied to me for almost 35 years. I'm glad to have it now.

I will probably petition the Cook County Courts to appoint a Confidential Intermediary in the next few weeks. I've got a few avenues I want to explore before I sink money into the CI program, particularly since they are backlogged. If that's what I have to do, however, then I will and will consider it money well spent.

They are younger than I remember reading in my non-id, so that threw me for a bit. Then again, I haven't seen my non-id in something like 14 years and some days I have a hard time remembering my own age, let alone theirs. LOL So now I'm eagerly waiting for the non-id from Lake Bluff aka ChildServ. I've learned from a friend recently that ChildServ is not "anti-search" like I thought they were. I was going on what I remembered from my last communication with them so many years ago - apparently, they've gone through some changes. For my own peace of mind, I'll wait until my non-id arrives before requesting that ChildServ send a letter to my birthmother's last known address. Not that it is likely to reach her, but I'd not forgive myself if I didn't exhaust every avenue.

Sometimes I wish I could encounter someone "unethical" in the system who could just give me enough of a hint that I could use to find them. I keep telling myself that I've waited this long, I can wait a while longer - but then I get caught up in the excitement and my ethics go right out the window. I realize how much I could do with just a name, how many doors that would open for me, how good I am at finding information on the internet. But that key piece of information is not mine to have, not yet.

I did come across something interesting earlier, however. It seems possible that I can use the Indian Child Welfare Act of 1978 as an avenue to my records. I know from my old non-id that I am of Native American descent. That's not something I can pursue until I have my non-id in hand again. I'll need a copy of that paperwork to present to the court in order to back up my claim.

I feel good - I learned something new about myself today. It's a good feeling. It makes me feel that much more connected.

Any time now

Guess what today is? Today is Monday. Ask me how I made it to Monday with my sanity intact. I'll tell you I don't know. Ask me why making it to Monday was so important.

I'll answer, "Because today, my information from the IARMIE should arrive at my friend A's house. If he overnights it to me, it should be in my hands tomorrow or Wednesday. On the surface, this may not seem particularly significant, but there's something you maybe don't know - not only will the information sent to me from IARMIE contain details of my life I didn't know before - like what hospital I was born in - but if another member of my birth family registered looking for me, I'll find that out as well.

It also means (assuming they've registered) they have been notified about my registration. It means (assuming they've registered) they'll get my contact information. And because I have to wait for my friend to overnight the letter to me, it means (assuming they've registered) they'll know about me before I know about them.

I've been trying to focus on other things, trying to keep busy. In the back of my mind has been this thought, though, "my phone could ring at any time."

Of course, I am equally afraid that my phone won't ring. I'm equally afraid that no one has registered. Which means I have this completely weird mixture of fear and hope bouncing around inside my head. Friday morning I was in quite a panic. The implications of all this suddenly hit me really hard. I ended up spending 3 1/2 hours on the phone with my friend B - thank God she was around to distract me and calm me down. She is also an adoptee and, while every situation is different, she still "gets" it.

I almost told my father-in-law about all this last night. My husband's grandmother is in the hospital and she isn't doing very well. Gramma and I are very close, we have been since I first met her. She is "my Gramma" in every way that matters. We spent the afternoon at the hospital with her and my father-in-law. I was a bit upset that the hospital couldn't give her the time and attention she needs. I don't blame them, they are understaffed and overworked. But I still need "my Gramma" to be taken care of, so I was changing a dressing on a wound she has on her arm, filing her nails, trying to give her some dignity. Dinner time came and my father-in-law and I took turns helping her eat her dinner. We wanted to take dad out for dinner after visiting hours, but he was planning on meeting a friend so instead, he took us and his friend out. We had a really nice meal, good conversation. At one point dad said to his friend something along the lines of, "As she (meaning 'me') was taking care of my mom, I was thinking about the fact that in about 25 years, she'll (me) be doing the same for me (him)." He's right, if and when the time comes, I will do the same for him. Whatever it takes to make sure he feels he is being treated with the dignity, love and respect he deserves - I'll do it. Yesterday felt like a real bonding moment for us. Don't misunderstand, my father-in-law has always welcomed me as part of the family. But I think until yesterday, I was "his son's wife" more than I was "his daughter-in-law." Do you feel the difference in those two phrases? It is subtle, but it's there.

It makes me want to share some of this with him, to let him in to this part of my life. I think if his friend had not been at dinner with us, I probably would have. It wasn't something I was prepared to discuss with them there. (Not that there was anything 'wrong' with his friend - very nice individual with whom we got along very well!) But dad is "forever family" because his son is my "forever family," so that's different. That makes it safe to share with him - but not something I want to share with someone who may just be transient in our lives. Which is incredibly funny considering I don't even know most of you who read this! LOL But I'm sure you understand what I mean.

So anyway, today is Monday. I don't know what this week is going to bring, but I'm looking forward to it with some excitement and some trepidation. At least it will be interesting and educational. I know that at the very least, I'll have another piece of my history - and that is no small thing.

Building a family from scratch

I've been up all night working. I'll be heading to bed soon, but since I couldn't seem to get this off my mind, I thought I would write about it.

Yesterday, I came across a request from another adoptee. She is "technically" an adult, by the laws of our nation. She is looking for someone to adopt her.

God, do I know that feeling. I've had it a million times. I'm 34 and still looking for a mommy. I told this young woman that while I wasn't sure I could fill her need for a parent, I could certainly be a friend. That's a place to start, right? I know that when I was her age, I'd have liked to have had an older woman willing to help me through so many of the challenges I faced. I had all these needs and no way of expressing them. It's interesting that just the other day, I made a post on a discussion forum asking for advice about finding a hair salon. I've realized that compared to other women my age, I'm completely clueless when it comes to stuff like that. I feel like there are all these secrets mothers pass down to their daughters - and someone forgot to pass them on to me. So I'm learning them a bit late. At least in terms of "womanly" stuff like hair, makeup, skin care, etc.

On the other hand, I'm really good with understanding relationships, people, "life" lessons - the things I feel are really important. Maybe that's why I never learned the "girly" stuff - I was too busy concentrating on other things.

I think one of the things I resent most about my adoption is that I was never given a choice. I didn't choose the mother I was born to, I didn't choose the mother who raised me. Perhaps if I ever find my birthmother, I'll feel differently, but even now as I write this I'm thinking, "But if I don't like her either, I'm stuck - she's the only other mother I'll have."

But is that completely true? Can we not build a family from scratch by reaching out to other people who are looking to create a family? Is it too late to create a bond, a relationship? I don't think it is ever too late if everyone is willing.

All night I've been thinking about this young woman and thinking about my own similar feelings. I know what she's missing because I've been missing it too. I'd love to be able to raise my hand and say "Sure, I'll adopt you," because I'd love it if someone did the same for me. But then I have to consider that I could end up doing her more harm than good. I have to think about whether or not I'm capable of giving her what she needs, and I don't know if I am - because if she needs the same thing from a parent that I need from a parent, then I can't promise I can give that. Because I don't know.

What I do know is that I can be a friend. I'm capable of giving that. And maybe, someday, I can give more. Who knows? Maybe someday she won't need more. That's always possible to.

So I responded to her. Told her to drop me an email. And I've been wondering ever since if she'll write. I'd like to help her because I prayed for years that someone would help me.

Maybe we can help each other.

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Yesterday was a good day. My husband got out of work early and I got to spend the afternoon with him. We had the chance to talk about some of the feelings I've been having, including the stuff I mentioned in the previous post that I hadn't told him yet. I explained how much I needed to feel as if he is really hearing me, hearing my concerns and my feelings. I think he is starting to understand how hard it is for me to open up about this stuff, even to him. I don't like that it's hard to open up to him. I'm not used to that feeling with him. There is nothing I can't tell my husband - nothing. For over 6 years, he has been my best friend, my closest confidant. I don't like ANYTHING that comes between us.

We went to Borders to pick up the copy of Journey to the Adopted Self I had ordered. While there, I also picked up Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self and Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew Aside from The Primal Wound, these are the three I see recommended most often.

After shopping, we went to dinner. As we were sitting there, I glanced through the table of contents for Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and then asked my husband to look at it. I think the title of the book should be changed to "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Those Close To Them Knew." That would have been more accurate.

I want to go through the list they provided and explore my own feelings about these points. This is definitely an exercise more for me than for anyone else, but I encourage all adoptees to consider this list in terms of their own feelings as well. I don't believe that the journey to self has much to do with finding my birth family. I believe it has much more to do with finding the "real" or "authentic" me that I've been repressing most of my life.

So here is the list, and my own reaction to these statements. Please remember that this list is Copyright 1999 by the author, Sherrie Eldridge! While the comments are my own, the original list is her unique creation.

1. "I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible."
2. "I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed."
3. "If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered."
4. "My unresolved grief may surface in anger towards you."
5. "I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them."
6. "Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them."
7. "I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family."
8. "I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be."
9. "I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame."
10. "I am afraid you will abandon me."
11. "I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity."
12. "I need to gain a sense of personal power."
13. "Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences."
14. "Let me be my own person... but don't let me cut myself off from you."
15. "Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent."
16. "Birthdays may be difficult for me."
17. "Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times."
18. "I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle."
19. "When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely."
20. "Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents."

1. "I suffered a profound loss before I was adopted. You are not responsible."
I'm still working on how much I believe about the concept of a "primal wound" experienced by adoptees when we are relinquished. On the one hand, I consider the fact that we hug and kiss and love on our babies because as parents, we believe that even if they don't consciously remember our loving actions, on some level, they are needed and recognized by our child. So it stands to reason that while a child may not consciously remember the birth mother, on some level, there is a connection made. Then it is severed. What follow up is given to the child to deal with the severing of that connection? None, to my knowledge, at least not in my own experience. But I do agree that my adoptive parents are not to blame for this disconnect. I don't even really blame them for not helping me work through it. I honestly don't think they knew any better. We've come a long way in our understanding about children and adopted children in the last 35 years.

2. "I need to be taught that I have special needs arising from adoption loss, of which I need not be ashamed."
For me, the focus in this sentence is on the second half - "of which I need not be ashamed." I'm only recently recognizing how much shame I feel about my feelings. I'm uncomfortable with the idea of having "special needs." I'm uncomfortable with anything that says I have to be a victim of anything, or that there is anything beyond my control. I think we are learning that there are certain issues we can watch for in adopted children and IF they arise, ways in which we can deal with them. I guess that so long "after the fact," I sort of feel as if there's not much that can be done about this one anymore.

3. "If I don't grieve my loss, my ability to receive love from you and others will be hindered."
Well, I don't know if I needed to grieve a loss or not. I do know that my ability to receive love has been hindered. I really have no way of knowing how much of that resulted from my adoption and how much resulted from the dysfunction of my family. I just know that I have a much harder time BEING loved than I do loving someone else. It makes it hard for me to process casual physical affection, too. My husband will want to cuddle me to demonstrate his love for me, but I can only stand so much of that. But there are a million other ways in which he expresses his love for me that I readily accept. We have a ritual when one of us is leaving for work or shopping or whatever. I'm writing this the way we say it - it's like a litany rather than separate sentences:
It starts with a kiss, and sometimes he kisses my forehead or nose (which always makes me feel warm all over) and then, "I love you I love you too Be careful I will be you be careful too I will be Hurry home I'll hurry home"

I need to hear this or I feel like I've missed something drastically important. Even if I'm asleep when he leaves for work we do this - I literally say my part in my sleep, as does he. I can't express how important this ritual is to me. In 6 years, this has not become "rote" like one might think. It is an important exchange of love for both of us, and one I am not only completely comfortable with but one which is a deep reassurance. It is one of my favorite ways of receiving love from him and probably the one that makes me feel most loved.

So I can receive love, but it has to be on my terms. It has to be in certain ways, and the ones I am most comfortable with are the ones which become almost ritualistic. We have other rituals like this as well, some vocal, some physical, but they are the ones that give me the most security and are the least threatening.

4. "My unresolved grief may surface in anger towards you."

My unresolved "everything" may surface in anger towards you. I get snappish and bitchy. I think it is a combination of factors, not just my adoption.

5. "I need your help in grieving my loss. Teach me how to get in touch with my feelings about my adoption and then validate them."

That's what I'm trying to learn now. Unfortunately, I think I'm so far gone that I'm unconvinced that anyone else can help me get in touch with those feelings. I think it is something I have to do on my own. I actually resent when someone else tries to manuver me into getting in touch with my feelings. I have to be allowed to do this at my own pace. With that said, I think if I totally left it up to just me, I'd probably never deal with it. Another reason I probably should get into therapy - it's less threatening to have a therapist tugging me through this than someone in whom I have an emotional investment.

6. "Just because I don't talk about my birth family doesn't mean I don't think about them."

DING DING DING!!! WE HAVE A WINNER!
Need I say more?

I may not be talking about them, but I'm definitely thinking about them. Especially now.

7. "I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family."

Yes and no. I want you to show an interest in my journey. I want you to ask me how I'm doing. I want you to demonstrate that this journey is important to you, too. I want you to demonstrate that you have a vested interest in this as well because you have a vested interest in me, and this is part of who I am.

8. "I need to know the truth about my conception, birth, and family history, no matter how painful the details may be."

Yes. Absolutely. I may be afraid of the truth, but I need to know it. I can't deal with it if I don't know what it is - all I'm left with are a whole lot of suppositions and worst-case scenarios. The "not knowing" is the worst.

9. "I am afraid I was 'given away' by my birth mother because I was a bad baby. I need you to help me dump my toxic shame."

Why shouldn't I feel this way? My adoptive parents only reinforced the idea that I was "bad." Yet when I ask myself "do I think there was any chance I was 'given away' for being a bad baby," my immediate reaction is "No, that's silly." I think the toxic shame I need to dump has more to do with the toxic messages they imparted than with any lingering feelings over my placement.

10. "I am afraid you will abandon me."

Another one of those ideas my adoptive parents reinforced. We were disposable. You don't throw a child out at 17. You especially don't throw out an adoptee. How many instances of feeling "thrown away" can a child's psyche handle? And despite claims to the contrary, a 17 year old is still a child. I don't think I stopped being a child and gained the emotional stability of adulthood until well into my 20's.

11. "I may appear more 'whole' than I actually am. I need your help to uncover the parts of myself that I keep hidden so I can integrate all the elements of my identity."

This one hits home. I need you to know that I wear a mask all the time. That mask makes me appear confident, in-control, on top of things. I am none of those things, I'm just very good at making my mask appear to be the real me. I'm afraid to uncover what is under that mask. I don't know how you can help me to do that, I don't know if you can help me at all, but I need you to know that what you are seeing is a mask.

12. "I need to gain a sense of personal power."

There is a reason I'm a control freak. I know it can be annoying. I know some of the seemingly meaningless ways in which I seem to need to control things can test your patience, but it is the only way I know how to feel like I have any sense of power or control.

13. "Please don't say I look or act just like you. I need you to acknowledge and celebrate our differences."

I remember my adoptive mother telling me that the agency tried to match up people with a similar heritage, but it was more based on surface looks than on any actual match of ancestry. I can remember family members saying "you have the _______ family ears" or "the _______ family nose." No, no I did not. I had my nose, and my ears, and you haven't got a clue where they came from. In addition, I needed them to acknowledge the pull I felt towards certain cultural influences - ones I later discovered ARE part of my heritage. But they couldn't support that, and instead tried to force their own cultural influences down my throat, sometimes literally. Making me eat a food because "Our family has eaten this for 1,000 years" is not an effective argument for convincing me that I should like the foods you like. Ignoring the fact that certain foods made me physically ill didn't help either. At least now I know that I have a physical causation for this - I do not process the enzymes the same way you do. But to explore that would have meant acknowleding our differences. And they couldn't do that.

14. "Let me be my own person... but don't let me cut myself off from you."

I wasn't allowed to be my own person, and I was allowed to cut myself off from them.

However, what happens now is a bit different. I will not only fight to be my own person but I also react very harshly to anyone who tries to keep me tied to them. I MUST have my space. I MUST be allowed to walk away, without restriction, for as long as I need to or else I will run away. It's nothing personal and it really has nothing to do with you. But if I feel trapped or cornered, my 'fight or flight' kicks in. To 'fight' means acting like my adoptive father acted and I won't allow myself to do that. So my only alternative is 'flight.' I've run my entire life rather than stay and cause the kind of damage he did. Perhaps some day I can change this but I'm not there yet. Give me my space when I need it. HEAR me when I say "I need to be left alone." If you push, I'll bolt.

15. "Please respect my privacy regarding my adoption. Don't tell other people without my consent."

This never bothered me. It still doesn't. But since I'm inconsistent with my feelings, know that this could change at a moment's notice.

16. "Birthdays may be difficult for me."

I've never felt that my birthday was "mine." Actually, I wonder if the date on my birth certificate is correct, sometimes. Our anniversary is close to my birthday - that's a much more important day to me.

17. "Not knowing my full medical history can be distressing at times."

I hate it when the doctor asks, "Any family history of..." and I have to answer, "I don't know." I hate that I can't answer those questions for my children, either.

18. "I am afraid I will be too much for you to handle."

Another one that was reinforced. Another one I fear. I worry that I will become such a burden that everyone around me will want me gone.

19. "When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me and respond wisely."

I don't have much hope of anyone hanging in there, but I must admit my husband has gone a long way towards healing this one. He sticks with me, loves me, through thick and thin.

20. "Even if I decide to search for my birth family, I will always want you to be my parents."

Actually I decided long before I started this journey that I did not want them to be my parents any more. They did little to deserve the title "parents."

I'll write more about these if additional insights come up. But this is where I'm at today.

Ouch, that hurt

I'm sitting here waiting for my hair treatment to finish soaking in, and I started looking through threads on http://www.eboards4all.com/74706/ which is run by "Sunflower Bmom."

I come across a post, midway down the page - "Musician Dad Looking For Daughter," and my heart stops. Could it be? I remember that my old non-id said my birthfather was a musician - I've believed for years I inhereted my talent from him. Excitement builds. I click on the link.

404 File Not Found error.

There are dozens of these on that page. Seems like every post that "might" even possibly be for me - 404 File Not Found.

It was posted by some man named "Kevin" on 08/03/04

Ouch, that hurt. This is why hope and excitement are so dangerous. How can a stupid 404 File Not Found error hurt so damn much?

It's just not fair.

Fear Fear Fear!

My new friend "J" wrote to me tonight. She reads this blog, so wave hi to her as she passes.
I knew that if I didn't write my response here, now, that I probably wouldn't at all. I'd reply to her in private and never admit to this stage in my journey. I'd stay in denial. And I really don't want to do that.

"J" said to me -

It's kind of a weird feelings, huh? Wanting to allow yourself to feel all the excitement, but almost afraid to for fear that you'll be dissappointed? At least that's how I imagine it.

J, you imagine it correctly. I won't speak for any other adoptee, but you've pegged exactly how it feels to me.

I haven't even shared this with my husband. It's not that he wouldn't be supportive, because god knows he would. But I feel like I'm overwhelming him with all this. I worry that he'll get sick of hearing me talk about it even though I know he won't.

I'm at that stage where I'm afraid to admit I'm excited. I'm afraid to admit that I have an investment in the outcome. I'm afraid to admit that I care. I'm afraid to admit outloud, "Yes, I do want to know them." Even as I write this to you I keep backspacing and rephrasing - because if I put it out there, it becomes real. Then I have to deal with the consequences, then I have to deal with the fallout. It is impossible for me to expect a good outcome because that hasn't been my experience in the past. Why should this be any different? Why shouldn't I end up disappointed again? What could possibly be different?

I keep insisting that I won't search but I'm open to being found. I'm lying to myself. I don't think I'll be letting this go anytime soon. I've already been thinking about what my next step will be if no one from my birthfamily has registered with the agency or ISRR or IARMIE. I've already considered my options. I wouldn't be doing that if I didn't eventually intend to take that step, and I think "eventually" is going to be sooner rather than later. I'm feeling like I'd rather find them and be rejected than keep going with all those unknowns out there. I'd rather find out that they want nothing to do with me than to keep this hope burning. Even as I write that I want to erase the word hope - I don't want to feel hope, I don't want to admit to hope, I don't want to acknowledge hope. Hope is dangerous, it is painful, it hurts. Hope isn't a good thing because it is always followed by pain and disappointment, isn't it?

I'm actually EMBARASSED by wanting to find them. What the hell is THAT all about? Why would I feel that way? Why would I feel shame about wanting to find them? This isn't a situation where I have loving adoptive parents who are going to be hurt - so why do I feel ashamed of this desire to find them? What happened to me that I could possibly feel this way??????

I don't want to tell my friends this. I don't want to share these feelings with them. Come to think of it, I haven't even given them the link to this blog. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid of what it will mean if I do. I'm afraid to admit to these feelings. I'm afraid to have the "real" people in my life know about any of this while it's all so raw. I can tell a million strangers, but not people who have been through a LOT with me. And I'm avoiding all my other friends completely. I feel like I can't talk to ANYONE without talking about this, too. But if I start talking, I don't think I'll stop. And they can't really understand, even though I know they would move heaven and earth to try. What is so sad is that if there are people in the world (besides my husband) who love me unconditionally, it's them. I mean true unconditional love. I could murder someone in cold blood tomorrow - they wouldn't approve of my decision and would be the first to say I have to face the consequences - but they would not stop loving me no matter what. So why am I so afraid to share this with them of all people?

And why am I so afraid to acknowledge "hope"? I don't want to feel hope. I want to keep my walls up, I want to stay safe, I want to protect myself. No one else is going to protect me, they never have. I want my walls back. I want that security. I was going to write "I want that dead feeling" and then erased it. But that's what it is. It is a numbing dead feeling, if you can call that a feeling. I want to hide from these feelings, hide from the hope, hide from the truth. It's too scary, too much, too overwhelming. Even as I'm writing this I keep trying to find ways to distract myself. I keep typing and telling myself, "I can delete all of this and no one will know." I refuse to do that. I refuse.

Big steps = Big fears

Well yesterday was a significant day in this journey I've undertaken.

I sent in my registration to ISRR and to the IARMIE (Illinois Adoption Registry Medical Information Exchange) since I was born in Illinois.

They both went in the mail yesterday. I was procrastinating a bit. LOL

The IARMIE allows us to include a 2 page written statement. That took me a while to write, but I'm glad I did. It was kind of an interesting experience. I must have rewritten it half a dozen times because I just wasn't happy with it. It felt forced. So here's what happened:

The receptionist at the plant my husband is at is a notary. One of the forms for IARMIE requires notarization. So hubby made arrangements for the receptionist to do the notary for me. I was supposed to be there at 11:30 AM. and everything had to be completed before I got there. On the advice of a new friend, I set aside the written statement for a few days because it was just causing me too much stress. Well you know what happened - I woke up yesterday morning and realized I only had a few hours to write it!

I sat down at my laptop and just started thinking. Then I started typing.

It FLOWED out of me. I didn't have to stop once. I didn't have to backup, reread, reword. I knew exactly what I needed to say and was able to do so. It ended up perfect.

I drove up, had it notarized, and immediately put it in the mail along with my ISRR forms before I could rethink everything for the thousandth time. LOL

From what I understand, it will take IARMIE about 10 days to send me my non-id from the state (hospital of birth, etc.) I can wait 10 days. I've waited this long.

I feel really good about having done this. I'm excited to see what sort of information I get back. I still don't think I'm going to be told "We have a match!" but I do feel as if I've taken the steps I needed to in order to get some answers while still staying true to myself. I can't figure out which I'm more afraid of - that there won't be a match or that there WILL be.

It's scary, but it has been a good day.

Emotional baggage and logic - an oxymoron

This one was in response to a birthmom trying to understand why her daughter has begun to pull back post-reunion.

As an adoptee who is not in reunion, and not even sure I want to BE in reunion, I don't think you are doing anything 'wrong.'

As I've read over adoption discussion forums, I've noticed that many other adoptees share certain behavioral traits with me. One of which is a tendency to go months without talking to people we care about, both family and friends.

When there is something big or fun or exciting going on in my life, I tend to draw people close to me and have them be involved. But the minute my life slows down, or the minute anything in my life starts going 'bad,' I withdraw.

I believe part of this lies with an unconscious belief that I have to 'have something special' happening in order for people to want to be with me. Who would want to be with me when my life is 'normal' or hitting the skids? Of course, realistically I know that those who love me don't only love me when my life is 'perfect,' but those abandonment/rejection issues say otherwise.

Even though you are in reunion with your daughter, I promise you, she has not worked through that unconscious 'first rejection' that's floating around in her psyche. Being in reunion doesn't undo a lifetime of unconscious thought. It doesn't matter that you didn't want to reject or abandon her, it doesn't matter that you don't think you did reject or abandon her. There's nothing 'rational' about these feelings, they simply are what they are. And they don't go away overnight.

Logic doesn't work with a young child, and some part of her is still that young child.

Don't reject or abandon her again. That may not be your intention, but in this instance, it's all about how she is going to perceive your actions on an unconscious level. If she has not asked for 'no contact,' I would continue to send supportive emails or text messages from time to time. Send a Christmas card. Birthday, anniversary, etc. Resist the urge to send presents unless you have mutually agreed to exchange them for the holidays. You can't 'buy' her love. Not that you're trying to, but again, perception is everything.

And know that it's likely she is not conscious of any of this.

I'm glad my birth family have not found me yet. I need the time to process through all these emotions and behaviors that I am only now identifying well into my 30's. I think if we had established contact before now, it would not have been particularly fulfilling to any of us. When I've healed a bit more, then I'll be in an emotional position to allow someone into my life like that.

Give her time. She has a lifetime of emotional baggage to work through.

Finding and keeping control

This was in response to a birthmother asking adoptees our opinons on what roles we would like our birthmother to play in our lives.

I think that it is key for birth mothers and fathers to remember something. The one person in this process who was never given a choice on any level is the adoptee. The state, the birth parents, the adoptive parents, the social workers, the agency, the lawyers, the judges - they made a determination based on what they said was my best interest. No one asked me.

So do not be surprised if the adoptee (consciously or unsconsciously) engages in behaviors that demonstrate a need to control something.

I'm only now recognizing how many ways in which I am trying desperately to maintain control over how I proceed in moving forward with finding my birth parents or not. I will probably want to call the shots if and when they are found as well. I don't do this consciously, I recognize it after the fact. But there is something to be said for finally having control with the very people who took all control away from us so long ago.

This isn't a 'blame' thing, nor should you interpret it as if you did a 'bad thing' by relinquishing us. I believe that in most cases, the parents, judges, agencies, etc. really were doing what they believed at the time to be in our best interest. I don't think anyone was sitting there thinking, "Woo woo, I can mess up this kid's life!"

But for some of us, that may be how it feels.

Be patient with us, just as you would want us to be patient with you.

Search Tool

Since I recommended this site to others, I thought I should probably post it here as well. Zabasearch is an online "phone book" which is considerably more extensive than most of the regular ones. You can search by name and state, and most of the results come with not only a current address and phone number, but PAST addresses and phone numbers as well. In addition, most results also come with a Month and Year of birth which makes it very effective when trying to eliminate hundreds of "David Smiths" to find the one you want.

And so it begins - "The Void"

The very first post I made on adoption.com was in response to a thread about "The Void." No irony there. LOL

I suppose this is what started it all, so to me, it is worth archiving.

I'm reading through this thread and many others and finding this feeling welling up inside of me. "Thank God I'm not the only one who..."

This is my very first post here. I guess it says something that it would be in response to a thread about the void.

That void has haunted me for years. It only seems to get worse the older I get. I'm almost 35 years old now. Yet my 'issues' around being adopted seem to grow.

I'm not quite ready to begin searching yet. The idea of finding my birth family stirs up a whole lot of fear. But I think I will try to find them soon.

I have another friend who is adopted who keeps trying to convince me that just because he doesn't feel a void, I shouldn't either. Of course, he has also met part of his birth family. He claims his lack of void has nothing to do with that but I have my doubts. It doesn't really matter what he feels, what matters is that I feel a void and I'm the one who has to deal with it.

My husband tries to understand. I think he comes as close as a non-adoptee possibly can. I've tried explaining to him what it's like to not have a single person you can look at and say, "Hey, that's where I got my (eyes, nose, mouth, chin,) from!"

How do you explain to someone that you have this 'disconnect' from whatever cultural influence you were raised under? It's all well and good to have recipes and such handed down from grandparents, but there just isn't that sense of "this is who I am" associated with it. My mother-in-law is very into geneology. I can't quite figure out how to explain to her that the geneology of my adoptive parents is NOT what I want in our family tree. I feel more connected to my husband's family than my own, maybe because I chose to emmesh myself in their familial identity. I did not choose to be plopped down in the middle of my adoptive familial identity.

I don't even speak to my adoptive family any more. Too many bridges burned over the years and a sense of apathy on my part about ever fixing it. I don't even know why they bothered to adopt me or any of my adopted siblings (not blood related to me). My adoptive father never missed a chance to remind us that he only adopted us because my adoptive mother wanted to so badly. Yet she chose him over us as well, letting him be as abusive as he wanted.

What a mess.

One of these days maybe I'll start to share more about my own story, but for now, I think I'll just chime in when I see something I need to say "Me Too!" to.

So about the void? Yes, me too.

This was a follow up response I made in the same thread.

I don't know if knowing the birth family fills that void or not as I haven't sought or found mine and am not sure I'm going to.

I suspect that for some adoptees it never goes away. There was a potential which existed the moment we were born which suddenly "disappears" when we're separated from our birth mother. That potential and that moment can never truly be recaptured because we are no longer the same person we were back then. We've grown up, we've changed and we've been influenced by our experiences in the ensuing 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, whatever years.

It's why I'm trying to work through my issues before I make contact. I want to be as whole as possible. If I look for someone else to fill me up, I'll be disappointed. But I believe I can fill myself up if I choose to.

Insights I do not want to lose - "Gotcha Day"

Because I'm posting on various discussion forums, I end up writing out replies to different questions which I would like to keep track of for future reference. Sometimes in the midst of a discussion on a forum, I find that I've come to some sort of understanding about my feelings which I did not previously posess. I don't want to lose those insights, so I'll be adding them here. I will try and provide at least some context of the question/discussion for which I wrote these. Expect that the next several blog entries will be copies of posts I've made.

The following post was one I made on a non-adoption related forum of which I am a member. I have always 'kept my distance' from the members there. Not because of any failing on their part but because of my own "stuff." I finally decided these people deserved to know more about me - they share so much of themselves. So I've been telling them a little bit about my process.

Anyway, this is a post I made there yesterday which I don't want to forget.

I'm dealing with a lot of anger the last day or two - ***name removed****** I want to apologize to you, especially, if I came across as harsh in my last post. I'm feeling extremely raw, as if every emotion is bubbling right under a tissue-paper thin layer of skin which will tear if I so much as breathe too deeply.

I am trying to journal these feelings I'm having, but that is only so effective since there is no opportunity for give and take. I'm discussing some of this on an adoption forum, but since each of us have our own experiences and opinons, I end up getting into debates with people over what I'm feeling.

A good example of this - apparently there is a trend among many adoptive parents "today" to have what is called a "Gotcha" Day. This "special day" goes by many names - "Forever Family Day" or "Homecoming" or some variation. Essentially, these families are creating a tradition of celebrating the yearly anniversary of the day their adopted child came home with them, or the day they first held the child, etc. A very sweet adoptive mother posted on the forums for adult adoptees asking our opinion on "Gotcha Day." Most of us reacted similarly - the terminology makes us cringe and the idea of celebrating this day - which only serves to drive home the differences between us and our peers - makes us uncomfortable. Certainly this wasn't the case with all the adoptees who responded, but I'm comfortable saying it was the majority opinion among those of us who responded. We ended up being told we were "oversensitive" by an adoptive mother.

Now, I can understand how exciting it is for these parents to bring their children home. I know our family was thrilled and anxious and excited while waiting for my nephew to be brought home. The anticipation was huge. But there is an element to this that it seems many people are unaware of: Regardless of whether or not we were with our birth mother for a moment after birth or for a few years, we have been separated from someone who we care about on the most fundamental level.

We know that babies "connect" with the outside world in the womb. (Please, no arguments about what week/month/trimester this occurs) My own children listened to music when I was pregnant with them. That same music had an immediate calming effect on them when played for them within 12 hours of their birth. This was especially important with my youngest who was a preemie. If a newborn can connect with music (and I was NEVER one of those expectant mothers who put headphones on my stomach - this was just one song for each of them I would play on the stereo when they were having a particularly "active" night kicking mommy in the bladder) - are we really naive enough to believe that a similar connection has not been made to the mother? Her heartbeat? Her voice? Her energy?

So now the baby is born, taken away from the only comfort s/he has known (heartbeat and sound of voice), and placed in the arms of strangers. Do we really think that on some level, that baby is not experiencing that loss? Nor does that baby have the consciousness to understand what it is feeling - it only knows that the feeling is not the safety and comfort of the womb and this is made even worse because the child does not even have the comfort of a familiar voice.

Unfortunately, our society has not caught up to the fact that adoptees (and birth mothers) are grieving the loss of this piece of themselves on some level. If a woman gets pregnant, has a baby, and the baby dies - society rallies around her to support her in her grief, to help her through the loss. We don't do this with mothers who relinquish their children for adoption. We tell them to "move on," we tell them "it is for the best." We don't acknowledge their loss.

I've noticed that many of these adoptive parents are VERY threatened by the idea that their child might be grieving for "some strange woman." She is NOT a strange woman to that child - she is the heartbeat and voice that comforted that child for 9 months.

The adoption process is a time of great joy for the adoptive parents. And in most cases, it is a good and positive long-term arrangement for a child. But the child is not cognizant of that at such a young age. They know only that they have been taken from the familiar and been placed with strangers. Yet we treat the birthmother as if SHE is the stranger.

And to top it all off, now we want the child to set aside their grief and celebrate the parent's joy on "Gotcha Day."

I am not a piece of furniture. I am not a commodity. No one "got" me.

Unfortunately, our society does treat these babies as commodities. Some of us continued to be treated as such throughout our childhoods.

Legacy of an adopted child - AUTHOR IDENTIFIED

I am all but bouncing in my seat. Tonight on the adoption.com forum, someone made a post about finding a poem tucked away inside a family bible.

The poem was "Legacy of an adopted child" (read my post about it here) - it was published in "Teen" magazine back in the late 70's or early 80's in their "Poetry Corner." When the poster put it on the adoption.com forum, she included the author's name!!!

I urge ALL webmasters to update their sites where they have this credited to "Author Unknown." The author is Lisa Wright. She was 19 at the time and lived in Leeds, Massachusetts.
Thank you, Lisa, for writing a poem that has meant so much to so many.

Here, then, is the original:

Legacy Of An Adopted Child

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember
The other you call mother.

Two different lives.
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.

The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live in it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first smile
The other dried your tears.

One gave you up,
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child
And was led straight to you.

And now you ask me through your tears,
The age-old question through the years:
Heredity or enviornment-which are
you the product of?
Neither, my darling, neither-
Just two different kinds of love.

Lisa Wright, 19, Leeds, Mass.

I realized something today

I doubt this is going to make much sense, but I realized something a few minutes ago.

I miss my brothers and sisters.

Now, this really doesn't make any sense. I have never met them. I've never been in their presence. I don't know anything about them at all. As a matter of fact, the closest I've probably ever been to them was while my birth mother was pregnant with me before she went to live with her parents. I don't know how far along she was when that happened. Yet each time I start to think about them, I start missing them.

We're having a conversation on the adoption.com forum (link to the left) and I asked "Sometimes, don't you wish you could "adopt" as siblings other adoptees you find on these forums? People who already understand how screwed up we can be?" I guess I kind of mean that. The desire to be connected to siblings is so strong sometimes.

What ever happened to that cool "in control" ambivilance I used to have? I think I lost it around the 1,000th post I clicked on because "maybe" the post author was talking about me.

I broke my brain tonight

I was doing the same thing I do most nights lately, digging through old archived posts on the adoption.com forums, checking to see if anyone has been looking for me in the 6 years the site has existed. There are thousands, not hundreds of pages of these posts. Ooops.

Anyway, I came across one buried away where someone asked, "How do I know if I'm a twin or not?"

My brain broke.

After researching this a bit, it turns out that many of the amended birth certificates in the 60's and 70's say "single birth," even if this wasn't the truth. It seems that if a decision was made to place the twins in different homes, the birth certificates no longer reflect the fact of a multiple birth. Which means I have no way of really knowing if I have a twin or not. I don't think I do. I'm sure I would know on some level. But for a few moments, I had to really think about that. "What if...?"

What a scary thought.

I don't know how I would deal with that. I don't think I am prepared to see "me" on another body. One of me is more than enough! LOL

We take it for granted that we were single births, but how common is it that people go their entire lives without ever knowing they are a twin? I'm not sure, but I'll be doing more research into this because now I'm curious. How often are adoptees unaware that they are a twin or triplet, etc.?

My brain hurts.

Dropped it in the mail

Happy New Year everyone!

So today, I mailed in my paperwork to the adoption agency so I can receive a new copy of my non-identifying information. I included a letter for them to place in my file in the event that anyone from my birth family comes seeking it. Pretty passive/aggressive behavior on my part. LOL "I won't look for you, but if you come looking for me..."

I've also begun filling out all the paperwork to submit to IARMIE and the ISRR. I have to get one of the forms for IARMIE notarized before I send it in, but I'll do that this week. Apparently, IARMIE can tell me what hospital I was born in, something I've never known.

I'm both nervous and excited about these steps I'm taking. I don't know what I expect to have happen once I take them. I feel sure that they aren't looking for me, but then I question if that's just something inside of me trying to protect me from disappointment. I'm so confused about what I feel that I don't know what's real and what's not.