Finding and keeping control

This was in response to a birthmother asking adoptees our opinons on what roles we would like our birthmother to play in our lives.

I think that it is key for birth mothers and fathers to remember something. The one person in this process who was never given a choice on any level is the adoptee. The state, the birth parents, the adoptive parents, the social workers, the agency, the lawyers, the judges - they made a determination based on what they said was my best interest. No one asked me.

So do not be surprised if the adoptee (consciously or unsconsciously) engages in behaviors that demonstrate a need to control something.

I'm only now recognizing how many ways in which I am trying desperately to maintain control over how I proceed in moving forward with finding my birth parents or not. I will probably want to call the shots if and when they are found as well. I don't do this consciously, I recognize it after the fact. But there is something to be said for finally having control with the very people who took all control away from us so long ago.

This isn't a 'blame' thing, nor should you interpret it as if you did a 'bad thing' by relinquishing us. I believe that in most cases, the parents, judges, agencies, etc. really were doing what they believed at the time to be in our best interest. I don't think anyone was sitting there thinking, "Woo woo, I can mess up this kid's life!"

But for some of us, that may be how it feels.

Be patient with us, just as you would want us to be patient with you.