He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me

In my last entry, I blogged about my self-created drama with my best friend.  Well ladies & gents, he wrote back.  And he still loves me. 

Did you ever have someone you were close to and you had a really special “uniquely yours” way of communicating the specialness of your relationship?  Some cutsie words, a little ritual, something?  We have one of those things – well, several, actually – but a special way of saying “I love you” that is uniquely ours.  It’s rooted in a typo. LOL  That special phrase conveys a lot of sentiment in two words – it says “I love you, I care about you, you are important to me, you are my best friend, you are irreplaceable, there is always room for you here, you are part of me in a very real way.”  And he’s still signing his letters to me with it.    (Those are good tears, by the way)

I called hubby to tell him, he’s thrilled.  He knows how much I’ve missed T.  I said, “he still loves me” and he said, “I knew that.”  He’s happy, I’m happier. LOL

So I sent T a sort of rambling email back.  I told him about my search, about this blog, about my new friends here.  I told him that I was afraid to give him a link.  I said:

 
I want to share my blog with you but I'm afraid to.  Stupid, isn't it?  It's not because I'm afraid for you to know how I feel about things, after knowing each other for so long, it's a little late for that, isn't it? LOL  I'm afraid you'll be hurt because I haven't talked about you.  I'm not good at talking about you because it meant talking about me and admitting my mistakes.  I got good (unfortunately) at talking "around" you.  But it meant that there were things I didn't blog about because in order to do so, I'd have to also explain why you aren't here now.  So I just kept that stuff to myself.  Which makes progress hard since you were so central to everything in my life. 

So I just kept telling myself I'd "deal with it tomorrow."  Notice a pattern, here?  Tomorrow turns into weeks, months and a year really quickly. 
Then I started telling myself you were better off not having to deal with my shit.  "No more bullshit."  Well, I'm mired in it.  Except now it's totally personal drama, not of someone else's making, not of someone else's influence.  It's the worst kind of bullshit there is, the kind that takes a lifetime to accumulate and I don't know how long  to wash away.  So I told myself I was doing you a favor by sparing you from it.  Smart, huh? 

I think he’ll understand that.  I also told him:

Those are actually probably the hardest - the time when it is hardest for me to just shove the sadness away and pretend it's not there.   It's always there, every time I think of something I know I should be sharing with you.  Which basically means every day.  Is it worse knowing you did nothing to deserve this?  That it had nothing to do with you "doing something" to make me pull away?  Knowing that I have it in me to isolate myself so completely to the exclusion of all else, including my best friend?  What kind of friend am I and why on earth would you want that kind of friend?  That's what I wrestle with and what makes it easy to stay silent, hidden, away, where I don't have to face the music.  I've gotten far too good at that.

I know I’ll eventually give him a link to this, because I can’t not do that.  I can’t keep all this from him, nor do I want to.  I need him to know all of this.  I’ve needed that for a while.  I’ve missed him so much, missed having his support, missed having him to calm me down and lift me up.  I’m feeling so relieved tonight.  Now I’m sitting here hoping he’ll want to call later.  I want to hear his voice.