Well here we are

So it looks like I've got the site arranged as best I can for now. The more I consider this project I'm undertaking, the more I begin to consider that I may want to do this on my own domain. I'll be keeping that in mind as a possibility in the future. I don't like not having control of the 'back office' when it comes to websites, software and the like. In addition, if I end up with any significant number of readers, it may be that having a discussion forum for adoptees will become advantageous. I'll wait and see how this progresses.

I was mentioning to my husband the other night how strange it seems to me that my adoption has only been in the forefront of my mind in recent years. I'd say that prior to around the time I turned 30 or so, my prevailing attitude was "Yeah, I'm adopted. So?" And I only really thought about it when someone else brought up the subject. Since I only started looking at websites relating to adoptees in the past few weeks, I am at least assured that the onset of this issue (or whatever it is) is not related to the influence of other people. However, I can't say I really understand yet why it has become such an issue for me in the last few years. I guess I've been looking at my behaviors and wondering what they are rooted in, and the only thing that seems to make sense is my adoption and what came after.

I was adopted at birth into a family who had other adopted children. My adoptive father was sterile, my adoptive mother wanted kids, and so they contacted an agency and began the process. They adopted us in two year increments. Kind of like getting a new car every two years, I guess. Maybe when they adopted us they really did want us, or at least thought they did, but as the years went by, that seemed to change. At least as far as my adoptive father was concerned. I can still hear him telling us that we were "taking away from" his time with our mother, or "I only agreed to this because your mother wanted you." What a way to set a kid up for a lifetime of feeling rejected. My birthmother didn't want me and neither did he. How lovely. Follow that up by throwing me out of the house when I was 17, and you've pretty much guarenteed a lifetime of abandonment issues to boot. Way to go, dad.

I used to try and convince myself that I had no "unresolved issues" with my father or mother. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. My father died several years ago. I haven't spoken to my mother in years either. It's hard to admit that I'm still angry, even harder to admit I'm still hurting, and worse to recognize that I am choosing to continue to let this affect my life and not doing anything about it. So I guess another function behind this blog is to do something about it. I'm hoping that if I can finally get myself to be honest about what i'm feeling that I can deal with it, again with the ultimate goal of choosing for myself who I am going to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to continue being who I've been.